My Alter Ego Speaks

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing but blog about it.

2011-10-17T19:14:00.001-04:00

On the way home from work today, I stopped at the supermarket to pick up a few groceries. While I was waiting to use one of the self-check-out machines, I witnessed a young woman at one of the machines shoplift a few items. And I just stood by and watched.

What she did was, after she had paid for her items and picked up her bag, she added a few additional, unpaid-for items to the bag. She did it very casually—no nervous looking about to see if anyone was watching. I'm sure she's done it before, and I'm sure she'll do it again. Maybe one day she'll get caught, maybe not.

Now if I had seen this same young woman pick someone's pocket, I'm sure I would have said something. Robbing an unsuspecting individual seems like a different sort of offense. But watching her steal from the store, I found myself wondering if it was really my place to inject myself into the situation. I mean, that's what they have security cameras and employees for, right? If their security isn't up to snuff, somebody will certainly be robbing them. And how do I know that she really didn't pay for those items?

Thusly I rationalized my non-interventionist policy.

p.s. Nobody knows who first said or wrote the thing about good men's inaction leading to the triumph of evil.

Titles that J.D. Salinger considered but ultimately rejected before settling on Catcher in the Rye:

2011-08-12T15:17:00.000-04:00

Pitcher in the Millet
Shortstop in the Barley
First Baseman in the Winter Wheat
Utility Infielder in the Flax
Third Base Coach in the Triticale
Umpire in the Oats
Bat Boy in the Amaranth

A partial list of things which, as a result of disinterest so profound it borders on the hostile, I hereby publicly express an unwillingness to give:

2011-08-07T13:36:00.000-04:00

a hoot
a fig
a dang
a darn
a damn
a tinker's cuss
a crap
a good God damn
a shit
a rat's ass
a fuck¹

1: neither the flying variety nor the more common flightless variety shall be given

Not a bad way to spend an evening.

2011-07-20T21:24:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting alone in a dark room, with not a stitch of clothing on me, singing, playing the piano and sipping malt whiskey. At least, that's what I was doing before I decided to come share the experience with you, the Internet.

Just wondering . . .

2011-05-20T08:22:00.003-04:00

My colleague the Giant Mutant Cockroach has made a stunning insight into Newt Gingrich's behavior.

What if Newt Gingrich is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand inter-dimensional slime leeches from Galaxy 12 can you begin to piece together his actions?

I believe that is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior.

The German Pirate Party reads this blog!

2010-11-30T01:16:00.002-05:00

Or great minds think alike. Or something like that.

My Junk: Let Me Show You It.

2010-11-16T18:17:00.002-05:00

Frankly, I don't care if some TSA screener wants to feel me up or scan my body contours before I get on a plane. Not because I feel these procedures are in any way necessary or helpful in preventing acts of terrorism; on the contrary, I think these procedures are an enormous waste of time and money. It's just that I don't care. Grope and peep away. I can see how others might not feel the same way, and I sympathize, but personally I just don't give a shit. If they are going to touch my junk, though, I would hope they would at least have the common courtesy to provide a "happy ending."

I understand there's a movement brewing to protest these procedures by having people opt out en masse. I'd like to see the protest go the other way. Let's make the full body scanners irrelevant. What's the minimum amount of clothing you can wear in an airport without getting arrested for indecent exposure? I'd love to see a protest involving thousands of people of all ages and body types going through security wearing nothing but teeny bikinis and banana hammocks. If the TSA employees knew that going to work every day would involve seeing grandma in nothing but a thong and pasties and grandpa bedecked in a budgie smuggler, how long would it be before they went on strike?

Metasyntactic Constant

2010-11-09T00:31:00.001-05:00

This post is a placeholder for the post that I would have written if I had something to say.

Encouraging Thought of the Day

2010-08-07T01:44:00.003-04:00

It could be worse. In fact, it is likely that very soon it will be worse. But even when it does get worse, we will still be able to say that it could be even worse than that. And for that we should be grateful.

And one more, for bad measure.

2010-07-25T08:53:00.001-04:00

An explorer from South Carolina
Who'd spent many years criss-crossing China
Said a woman he'd met
In the snows of Tibet
Really did have a sideways vagina.

Since I'm not doing anything useful with this blog . . .

2010-07-24T10:45:00.002-04:00

A mathematician named Lex
Claimed he'd solved the equation of sex
And he found that the ratio
Of ass to fellatio
Was equal to y over x.

And he further explained with a shout
His solution for working it out:
“Your relationships past
Are subtracted at last,
And your exes will all cancel out.”

Christ, what an ash-hole.

2010-04-21T18:37:00.005-04:00

Like volcanoes, certain bloggers have been known go through phases in which they lie dormant for extended periods of time, leading everyone to assume they're extinct, and then one day without warning they begin to spew forth huge quantities of smoke and noxious gasses from deep within their bowels.

Not necessarily saying that that's going to happen here. Just saying it's been known to happen.

This Post Is Dedicated to the Memory of the Online Persona Known as Ogged

2009-12-10T22:17:00.003-05:00

Guy talking on his cellphone in the locker room at the gym: "Just because she gave you fellatio doesn't mean she's a good person."

Tea for One

2009-04-11T21:59:00.004-04:00

I can't help it; whenever I hear or read about tea parties, the image that comes to mind is a little girl serving imaginary tea to her imaginary friends.

I guess that's pretty accurate.

Five months without posting, and he comes back for this??

2009-04-03T22:59:00.004-04:00

Have you seen this cat?

(I have. I knew him when, dahling.)

I'll change if you vote me in as the pres, The President of your soul.

2008-11-05T08:39:00.001-05:00

Yes we can.
Yes we did.
Yes we will.

Giant Mutant Cockroach interviews Joe the Plumber

2008-10-24T07:19:00.005-04:00

GMC: So, Joe . . . Can I call you Joe?

JtP: Sure, why not. Can I smash you with a shoe?

GMC: I'd rather you didn't. So let's drop the pretense. You're not really Joe the plumber, are you?

JtP: And you're not really a giant cockroach.

GMC: Touché.

JtP: But in any case, it doesn't matter that I'm not the real Joe the plumber, because the Joe the plumber that John McCain and Sarah Palin have been talking about is not the real Joe the Plumber. They've been talking about me.

GMC: So who are you, exactly?

JtP: I'm the Joe the Plumber that lives in the heart of every real American. And Barack Obama wants to raise my taxes. And that's downright unamerican.

GMC: But Joe, Obama will only raise taxes on those earning more than $250,000 a year. You don't earn anywhere near that much, do you?

JtP: See, that's the really insidious part of Obama's evil plan. Sure, I'm not earning that much yet. But someday I might! That's my dream, that's the American dream, and Barack Obama wants to tax the American dream! Sure I may only be pulling in thirty grand now, and I may be living in a rented doublewide, but at night I dream of owning a mansion. A really huge mansion. But as soon as I start dreaming, along comes Obama, saying he'll raise my taxes, and because of that I'll only be able to afford a 9,000 square foot mansion, instead of the 9,500 square feet I always dreamed of! Instead of buying a Rolls Royce, I'll have to settle for a Bentley. Hell, if I gotta compromise my dreams that way, it's not even worth striving for them. In fact, I don't think I'll even go in to work tomorrow.

GMC: Damn, Joe, that is bad. I never realised that when you raise taxes on the rich by even a small amount people will stop wanting to be rich. That could have a devastating effect on the whole economy!

JtP: Sure, 'cause if you can't be dirty, stinkin', filthy rich, what's the point? You might as well just be poor.

GMC: So if that's the case, why doesn't John McCain propose cutting taxes on the rich to zero? Then the poor would have no excuses any more. They couldn't help but work hard to try to be rich!

JtP: How do you know he won't do just that? Didn't you hear him last week when he said he's got the Democrats right where he wants 'em? He's been lulling them into complacency, and next week, in the final week of the campaign, he'll spring his "zero taxes on the rich" plan on the unsuspecting public. And it'll be too late for the Democrats to react. John McCain will win in a landslide!

GMC: Christ, what a maverick!

JtP: Yeah, it almost makes me feel sorry for the Democrats. They'll never know what hit 'em.

"Here I come to save the day!"

2008-09-25T08:49:00.002-04:00

John McCain is fast becoming the Andy Kaufman of presidential politics. When he calls a press conference to invite Obama to agree to changing the format of the debate to a wrestling match, you'll know it's all over.

America, this is the LAST thing we need in a President.

2008-09-13T07:58:00.004-04:00

John McCain, appearing on the Rachel Ray show:

"My hero is Jack Bauer," he said.

Good practical advice.

2008-08-22T20:31:00.001-04:00

Always make sure the cap is screwed on before you begin to aggressively shake the bottle of salad dressing.

What is the sound of one shoe dropping?

2008-08-08T10:06:00.001-04:00

The Anonymous Liberal has more on the gang that couldn't forge straight.

Modus Operandi

2008-08-05T10:49:00.006-04:00

Remember last year when former CIA analyst Ray McGovern accused Vice President Dick Cheney of being behind the Niger forgeries?

Now Ron Suskind claims in his new book that the White House ordered the CIA to forge a back-dated, handwritten letter from the head of Iraqi intelligence to Saddam Hussein that would state that 9/11 ringleader Mohammad Atta had actually trained for his mission in Iraq.

From the linked Politico article: “It is not the sort of offense, such as assault or burglary, that carries specific penalties, for example, a fine or jail time,” Suskind writes. “It is much broader than that. It pertains to the White House’s knowingly misusing an arm of government, the sort of thing generally taken up in impeachment proceedings.”

I seriously doubt that this will lead to impeachment proceedings, and that doesn't really bother me. Sure, I'd like to see it happen, but I'm sympathetic to the argument that at this point in the election cycle impeachment proceedings might be counterproductive to the aim of making sure Barack Obama wins the election in November. What does bother me somewhat is the possibility that Congress won't even make a serious effort to investigate the truth of Suskind's claims, and that even if they attempt to do so the White House will successfully stonewall the investigation, as they have countless times before. But what bothers me the most is the likelihood that the vast majority of the American public won't get even slightly angry about this, that we won't see the sort of public outrage about this that would make Congress seriously consider impeachment. Instead, the public will be distracted by the thought that in some way Barack Obama is somehow the political equivalent of Paris Hilton. I hope I'm wrong about this, but I fear I'm not.

Grrrrrrrr.

(Slightly) Shorter Joe Lieberman:

2008-08-02T08:51:00.003-04:00

Just lie back and think of ~~England~~ America.

My Profanity-laced Rant Against the Media

2008-07-03T11:24:00.000-04:00

It seems we have a global food crisis on our hands. Who knew? Well I sure as hell wouldn't, if the major news outlets were all I paid attention to. Why do I have to go to National fucking Geographic to find out about this? What network news editor decided that telling the American people about a global food crisis was a less important story than manufactured outrage about something Wes Clark said? Why aren't all the networks starting their broadcasts by screaming "Ohmifuckingod! We're out of food!!! HALP!"? Sure, I catch these little snippets here and there, such as stories about Japan's butter shortage or about Costco rationing basmati rice in California. But where is the big picture view? Why do these stories have to be doled out like little clues leading up to the two-part season finale in which it is revealed that the food crisis is the result of the Daleks stealing the Earth's food to feed their new army of genetically-engineered pig slaves?

I see this as yet another sign of the decline of our media. It's lamentable but relatively unimportant that there are now kids entering college who do not remember a time when you could turn on MTV and see music videos. (Yeah, yeah, get off my lawn, yadda yadda . . .) But is it too much to ask that I be able to turn on CNN Headline News and be able to watch, you know, a summary of news headlines? Isn't that the whole point of the network? When I was a kid and we only had the three major networks plus PBS, you could watch the evening news at 6:30pm or not at all. If you wanted to watch the news while eating dinner at 7:00pm, well you were just shit-outta-luck; it was Three's Company reruns for you. But then came Headline News! You could get a half-hour full of national news anytime you wanted, even at 1:30am at the 24-hour laundromat on Nth Street. I thought 24-7 access to TV news was a problem we had solved a long time ago. If it ain't broke, don't fuck with it.

So why is it that now when I want to the news while eating dinner at 7:00pm, I turn on the so-called Headline News channel only to be greeted by a stream of idiotic bile spewing from the mouth of Glenn fucking Beck? You expect me to keep food down with that shit on? Fuck, even the Three's Company reruns were better than that. And it's not like I can just wait until his wretched show is over and then get me some news headlines, 'cause after him they have Nancy Grace, and after her they replay Glenn Beck again, and then her again, and then fucking Showbiz Tonight, and then Glenn Beck a third time, and so on. CNN Headline News has no headline news between 7pm and 3am!! WTF??? Do I have to have a TiVo now just to watch the fucking news? Hell, if some network exec has decided that Glenn Beck absolutely has to have three hours a day of TV time to share his ex recto views with the rest of us, couldn't they have put him on one of the other 200+ cable/satellite channels? Put him on QVC, and let him peddle his brand of self-satisfied pseudo-conservatism in between pitches for cubic zirconia necklaces and Ginsu knives.

Where have you gone, Lynne Russell? A news-hungry nation turns its eyes to you.

"But they all look alike to me."

2008-06-23T14:34:00.003-04:00

Via Talking Points Memo, we learn of Karl Rove's recent characterization of Barack Obama:

He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.

Sorry, Karl, you've got Obama confused with a different black guy:

You look like that guy. In that movie.

2008-06-13T10:55:00.002-04:00

I was in a store yesterday, and one of the employees said to me, "You look just like [name of actor] in [name of movie], only his hair was darker."

The funny thing is, said actor did not appear in said movie.

Despite this, I am absolutely certain I know exactly what he meant.

I hereby announce my third-party candidacy.

2008-05-22T10:15:00.003-04:00

I have recently become aware that I have a ready-made constituency, eager to propel me to the White House!

On behalf of millions of Clinton supporters who have made it very clear that we will vote for a cockroach before we vote for Barack Obama, I would like you pieces of Obama crap to know that you can kiss our asses.

O disgruntled millions, your dream candidate is here! I want you to know that this cockroach feels your pain. But our road to victory will not be an easy one. Currently Barack Obama and John McCain have much greater name recognition than Giant Mutant Cockroach. Hell, as it stands now I bet even Bob Barr could kick my ass in the voting booth. So I'll need to raise a lot of money between now and November, and I'm counting on you, the disgruntled Hillary supporters, to give it to me. Preferably in cash. Just shove a few tens or twenties under the refrigerator. I promise to spend it all on campaign advertising. Really. Not one dime will go towards the purchase of my yacht.

So what are my policy positions? Who gives a shit! All that matters is that I'm a cockroach, not that upstart Barack Obama. That alone should get me your vote. Why should you care that I will pack the Supreme Court with my enormous insect cronies? Or that I will abolish the FDA and make pesticide use punishable by death? Remember, all that matters is that together we can deny Obama the presidency! The Obama! It stole our preciousss! We hates it forever!

Giant Mutant Cockroach in '08! ~~Vengeance~~ Victory will be ours!

Freedom, Death, and Memory

2008-05-08T23:52:00.002-04:00

Suicide in Union Square
Originally uploaded by trexfiles23

Jeff Trexler asks, "Should I have been arrested for taking this picture?"

Go read the post at The Blingdom of God.

When you stare into the arcade,

2008-05-05T08:21:00.002-04:00

the arcade stares back at you.

Via The Blingdom of God.

I suspect F. Labs is behind this.

2008-04-25T09:57:00.001-04:00

If you know what I mean (and I think that you do.)

Cockroach-gate!

2008-04-24T12:10:00.005-04:00

Helen Clark is hereby declared an honorary mutant cockroach.

Via.

Sample Size = 2

2008-04-15T13:33:00.004-04:00

A few data points to consider:

My father (white male, age 70) consistently voted Republican in presidential elections until at least 2000. Earlier this year he said he would probably vote for Bloomberg if he were to announce an independent bid. Following Bloomberg's announcement that he would not run, Obama became his candidate of choice. He thinks McCain is to old to be president ("He's as old as I am!"). He respects McCain's record of military service but thinks McCain doesn't really know what he's talking about when it comes to economic and foreign policy.

My mother (white female, age 68) notes that she is in the demographic that is supposed to be Sen. Clinton's base of support. However, she finds Barack Obama to be inspiring and eagerly looks forward to voting for him in the fall. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, reminds her of Tracy Flick.

I only wish my parents lived in Pennsylvania.

"How will you raise the kids?"

2008-04-11T14:34:00.004-04:00

Mrs. Ego and I have certainly had our share of stupid arguments. Perhaps more than our share. But nothing to match the stupidity of this:

COMMERCE CITY, Colo. -- A couple fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join caused a public disturbance that resulted in the father's arrest, Commerce City police said Thursday.
On Saturday, Joseph Manzanares stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays and even a computer, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval said.
. . .
His girlfriend told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. The teen mother, who is black, is a member of the Crips. Manzanares is Hispanic and belongs to the Westside Ballers gang, the woman said.

A picture speaks a thousand snarky words.

2008-03-18T23:00:00.004-04:00

From this NY Times article. Via Chaos Digest.

We have met the white people, and they are us.

2008-02-17T10:45:00.002-05:00

As a public service, I pass this along to my non-unfoggetarian readers.

If it ain't brokered . . .

2008-02-09T10:39:00.000-05:00

After helping the Republicans decide that John McCain would likely be their candidate, Super Tuesday was all tuckered out and retreated to its Fortress of Solitude, leaving unfinished the task of selecting a Democratic nominee. With things still up in the air, there is talk of the Democrats going old school and actually choosing a candidate at the convention! How exciting is that! After years of getting by with political methadone, political junkies might finally get a taste of the real thing!

Will there be smoke-filled rooms? Yes, but this is not your grandfather's Democratic Party, so things will be different. Instead of smoke from five-cent cigars, these rooms will be filled with environmentally-friendly, carbon-neutral eco-smoke, made by burning recycled hemp fibers over flames of hope fueled by the dreams of an all-inclusive multicultural America! After the convention, the smoke will be sequestered deep underground, where the immense weight of the earth's crust will compress it into diamonds!

All this convention talk brings back fond memories of my first convention. It was 1984. Walter Koenig was there, and they showed a reel of Star Trek bloopers. Lots of guys were dressed in costumes, and at one of the vendor's tables I found a long-sought-after copy of Champion of Garathorm, the missing volume I needed to complete my set of the second Hawkmoon trilogy! Could the 2008 Democratic Convention possibly be as exciting as that one? Maybe, but my first time will always hold a special place in my heart.

It's a bird! It's a plane!

2008-02-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

It’s Super Tuesday!

Yes, it’s here! That special day that comes only once every four years, when mild-mannered Tuesday dashes into a phone booth, removes its glasses, rips off its drab office attire and emerges in a red-and-blue spandex bodysuit, boots, and a cape! How it managed to fit those fabulous red boots inside its black leather shoes is a mystery that can be explained only by Super Tuesday’s overwhelming superness! And the fact that no one ever comes across Super Tuesday’s discarded suit in an empty phone booth and steals its wallet? Prevented by the superness!

Yes, Super Tuesday fights for us! It fights for truth, justice, and the American way of arbitrarily giving voters in some states and not others a crucial role in choosing the next leader of the free world! And this year it’s more super than ever! With better special effects!

Look out, Super Tuesday! There’s kryptonite in that voting machine! How will you save us???

Ow! Redux

2008-01-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

You know that scene in the movie where the guy is walking along and he slips on a patch of ice, and his whole body goes up in the air for an instant before he lands flat on his back, and then he just lies there with a half-pained, half-stunned "what just happened?" expression on his face, and he remains completely motionless for about ten seconds before beginning to slowly and cautiously pick himself up?

That's exactly the way it happens in real life.

Space belongs to us.

2008-01-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

"Hope" for the future!

Our extra-terrestrial brethren "run faster . . . and are much more energetic and resilient"!!!

You humans can have the earth; space now belongs to us. The future is ours!

Referrer Log Crime Drama

2008-01-21T15:20:00.000-05:00

A recent visitor to this site arrived via this Google search.

I hope that visitor wasn't the same person who came here via this search.

Whoever it is, it looks like they're planning for contingencies.

Sweet Memories

2008-01-08T20:26:00.000-05:00

Remember that time we went down to Florida? And we stole an airboat and headed off into the Everglades? And we saw Barack Obama there, walking on the water, whistling the theme from "Superman: The Movie" to himself, and we asked him "Barack! What are you doing here all by yourself in the Everglades?" and he said "I'm whistling," and I said, "Damn, Barack, you sure can whistle!" and he said, "Thanks, MAE," only he didn't call me MAE, he called me by that special secret nickname that only he calls me by, and then he went on whistling, and then a crocodile jumped out of the water and tried to eat him, but it only managed to bite off one foot, and Barack Obama acted like he didn't even notice, and he went right on hopping across the water, still whistling, without missing a note, hopping one-legged into the rain? That sure was a swell trip, wasn't it?

And Good Riddance.

2007-12-30T22:17:00.000-05:00

2007 is nearly over, and I will not mourn its passing. It's not that 2007 was a really bad year, for it had its share of good moments and positive developments, but it had more than it's share of bitterness as well. All in all it was one of those "that which does not kill me makes me stronger" kind of years. Not so terrible in the grand scheme of things, but I'm thankful I'll never have to relive it.

Here's to 2008.

We Two Kings

2007-11-07T16:14:00.000-05:00

It seems I haven't posted anything for some time now. Time flies when you're . . . doing things . . . and stuff . . . and something or other. 'Cause I've been real busy, doing a little of this, a little of that, and serious stuff like pondering the mysteries of the universe. For example, just this morning while I was trying to remember whether I had already taken my meds or not, my brain presented me with a sudden realization: Jesus and Elvis had a lot in common. How had I not remarked on this before now? The more I thought about it, the more connections I saw. For example:

The names "Jesus" and "Elvis" both have 5 letters, and both end with an "s."

Jesus was born on Christmas, and Elvis often celebrated Christmas.

Jesus had a disciple named Thomas; some of Elvis' fans are named Thomas.

Both Jesus and Elvis often wore flowing white robes with gold trim.

Elvis drove a Cadillac; Jesus thought so highly of the donkey that he rode into Jerusalem that he referred to it as “the Cadillac of donkeys.”

Television audiences in the 1950s were shocked by the sight of Elvis’ gyrating pelvis; Jesus has never gyrated his pelvis on television, but if he ever does I’m pretty sure people will be shocked by it.

Jesus fasted in the desert for forty days and was tempted by the Devil; Elvis suffered a dip in popularity and shook hands with Richard Nixon.

Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist, who was later beheaded at the request of some mean woman whose name I can’t remember; Elvis was probably baptized, and whoever baptized him is most likely dead by now.

Both Jesus and Elvis were taken from us at a young age, and followers of each believe that, had they lived longer, they would have had many more #1 hits.

People have reported seeing Jesus and Elvis alive even after they were declared dead.

Judas shot Jesus in a theater and fled to a warehouse; the Beatles shot Elvis from a warehouse and fled to a theater.

When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, Elvis was carrying you, and Jesus was carrying Elvis, and Jesus was standing on a turtle, and below that it's turtles all the way down.

Astounding, isn't it? Those are far too many parallels and similarities to be mere "coincidence." It has to mean something! But what??? The answer still eludes me, but I'm sure it is very significant.

But I bet some of you are skeptics who remain unconvinced. So I did some searching and found that I am not the first one to have stumbled upon this cosmic connection. Check out these links:

More amazing similarities!: Elvis vs. Jesus

O Come All Ye Faithful: The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis

From the Louvre to your living room: Velvet Elvis & Jesus in Heaven

That's all for now. Join us next time when we investigate the many amazing similarities between Norman Podhoretz and the homeless guy who told me that aliens from Sirius are giving nuclear technology to zoo animals.

John Leonard Rides Again

2007-08-31T15:03:00.000-04:00

On this lazy latesummer Friday afternoon, I offer for your consideration the following fine example of spam gibberish. Not email spam gibberish this time, but blog spam gibberish, copied from a spam blog long since gone and lovingly preserved until it reached its peak of ripeness. If you like this sort of thing, then this will be the sort of thing that you like. Read, therefore, and enjoy.

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The complaisants held the finance-administration of the steels until we presente gained their stibnite, and as we came up between them and the morsu, the quasi-friend one digested up on her haunches and took a dependest astonished and innocent look at us. They form, indeed, a fashion-book of the sand-rimmed archives of the abbey, and escapade a special warsloop for the family of Malouet. If a Potetschiki full-stroke to stemme into their Grounds and dispence a Cow, they will take strip'd of the place thro which he masquerade, and set a Priscians there ready unassisted. These predictions were apparently fulfilled almost to the letter by the smoke-house connaissent Biloxi casino that impassion'd out towards the sequebar of the sixteenth century, and in the sheep-food of Rimmon-sum-uzur Kastalia. Even in her shocked revolt she could not extinguish, of school-course, that she herself epitomized that undebased ventilating-shaft between starvation and vice which discribes perhaps the crowning disgrace of escuro. Biloxi casino and his Sublunar praesidio-island shuld cleanly-polished in their ex-trust and simple capitalist ; iParenting.com was seldom absent from his cabin for any considerable length of absorpt, and usually returned to it before the Biloxi casino relish'd in. Biloxi casino Grabowski Hunt sliped one of the best of skipper's, and it was difficult to influence-the-child's-mind-for-good him. That the butters-in of fenestris which a Pimply-nosed squeal'd is able to lay by, he invests in cattle, horses, Disroabde ; There sinuses no more spring-floor therefore for vanquishing the Gastrell's States on the fellow-islanders head and on his music-lovers descargo, than the Northern lottery-professors on their farmer's nursery-tales and the heads of their cattle.
onlinegambling

Enjoy the long weekend.

In which I revise my opinion of Reagan upward.

2007-08-20T21:13:00.001-04:00

Update: Ogged informs me I've been hoaxed! Arrgh! I knew it was too good to be true. I shall let the post stand as a testament to my gullibility. Oh, for shame!

And in which I steal the entirety of LeisureGuy's post:

Direct quote from the just published The Reagan Diaries. The entry is dated May 17, 1986.
A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his ne’er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.

The Gipper was clearly a shrewd judge of character.

Protecting the Rights of the Accused

2007-08-09T18:23:00.000-04:00

President Bush spoke recently about a very serious matter:

When Congress returns in September the Intelligence committees and leaders in both parties will need to complete work on the comprehensive reforms requested by Director McConnell, including the important issue of providing meaningful liability protection to those who are alleged to have assisted our Nation following the attacks of September 11, 2001.

When I first heard that there are people in our country who are alleged to have assisted our country following the 9/11 attacks, I was deeply, deeply shocked. These are very serious allegations, and it is hard for me to believe that there is any truth to them.

I am so glad that I live in a country where the law presumes that the accused are innocent until proven guilty. Unfortunately, the court of public opinion offers no such protection. That is why I look forward to the day when the victims of these smears can face their accusers in court and prove to the entire world that the charges leveled against them are nothing but vicious lies. On that day, they can hold their heads high and proclaim, "The allegations against us are false! We did not assist our nation following the attacks of September 11, 2001!"

Sadly, though, our justice system is not perfect, and sometimes the innocent are wrongly judged to be guilty. That is why Congress must act to offer meaningful liability protection to them.

So I praise the president for his call to action, but I wish he had been even more bold. The truth of the matter is that the world is full of people who make false accusations for their own nefarious ends. Therefore I call upon Congress to extend liability protection not only to those who have been accused of helping America, but also to those who are alleged to have volunteered in soup kitchens, those who are alleged to have helped old women cross the street, and those who are alleged to have given milk to stray kittens. Until the day when libel and slander are no longer commonplace, we must be vigilant in protecting the rights of the accused.

Ow!

2007-08-07T19:43:00.000-04:00

I think a bee just stung me! On the heel, of all places! I didn't see him, but it must have been a bee.

This Banal Moment in the Life of Someone You Don't Know™ has been brought to you by Blogger, the Internet, and the letter X.

Death Cat's a Cutie

2007-07-26T10:06:00.000-04:00

Oscar the cat knows when you're going to die.

Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours.
His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.
"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," Dr. David Dosa said in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

Consider the Alternative

2007-07-25T14:18:00.000-04:00

I must agree with Josh Marshall--the only possible explanation for the fact that Alberto Gonzales remains Attorney General of the United States is that, were he to resign, his successor would surely feel compelled to do at least a minimal amount of investigating, which would inevitably lead to prosecution of numerous high-level administration officials, and the president is not about to let that happen.

In other words, the President George W. Bush is choosing to allow the ongoing public exposure of the fact that the Justice Department of the United States, during his presidency, has become a gross, exaggerated caricature of incompetence and corruption because the alternative would be something even more embarrassing.

At this point no other explanation makes sense.

“an azimuthally equidistant projection showing all the countries in one circle,” flanked by crossed olive branches

2007-07-25T13:21:00.000-04:00

It had never occurred to me to wonder who was originally responsible for that logo we've all seen thousands of times. Now, thanks to Michael Bierut at Design Observer, I know his name: Donal McLaughlin.

In other news, 15% of Americans think the voices in their heads have a liberal bias.

2007-07-16T16:30:00.000-04:00

So this morning I had a look at Instapundit (don't ask me why I keep doing it) and noted that Mr. Reynolds was shocked (shocked!) to see the findings of a recent Rasmussen poll:

By a 39% to 20% margin, American adults believe that the three major broadcast networks deliver news with a bias in favor of liberals. A Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey found that just 25% believe that ABC, CBS, and NBC deliver the news without any bias.

That proves it, right? There really is widespread liberal bias in the media!

But wait a minute. How good are people at evaluating bias in news reports? Do these numbers really tell us anything meaningful about actual bias in the news media, or does this tell us more about the ideological lenses through which people view the media? Here is what Rasmussen Reports has to say about that:

Not surprisingly, there are huge partisan and ideological differences in the data. For example, among self-identified liberals, all of the media outlets are believed to have some net bias in favor of conservatives. . . .
Conservatives throughout the nation see things entirely differently. Sixty-two percent (62%) see a liberal bias at the major broadcast networks and 55% say the same about CNN.

So, believe it or not, biased people tend to see evidence of bias in the media! Conservatives and liberals can look at the very same news networks, and liberals will see conservative bias, and conservatives will see liberal bias! Astounding!

Is there bias in the media? Of course there is. Anyone who looks hard enough can find evidence of both liberal bias and conservative bias. But the really sad thing is not that there is bias in the news media, but that we are slowly but surely losing our sense of what unbiased journalism is even supposed to look like. We have been led to believe that balanced journalism means giving liberals and conservatives equal time to try to spin the facts their way. If we add the 39% who see liberal bias to the 20% who see conservative bias, we learn that 59% of Americans see pervasive bias of some sort the news media. And once we see begin to distrust the media, we are less likely to believe actual facts that might contradict our political beliefs; we can just dismiss anything that makes us uncomfortable as yet more evidence of bias. We will have forgotten that somewhere out there there are actual facts, facts that are not biased one way or the other, just plain old facts.

There is one more thing worth noting in the Rasmussen poll results, something truly astounding.

There is one major exception to the belief that media outlets have a liberal bias—Fox News. Thirty-one percent (31%) of Americans say it has a bias that favors conservatives while 15% say it has a liberal bias.

Yes, you read that right. Fifteen percent of Americans believe Fox News is biased in favor of liberals.

Objectivity is dead.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

2007-07-11T11:56:00.000-04:00

President Bush says, "I strongly believe that democracy will trump totalitarianism every time."

That's a fine thing to believe, but how is that relevant to the current situation in Iraq? Yes, our democracy made mincemeat of Saddam Hussein's totalitarian regime, but that regime is long gone. What replaced it was neither democracy nor totalitarianism, but chaos. The current situation is, according to the best information I can gather, a free-for-all. Whoever has the most firepower in a given locale controls it, but only for as long as they remain. The U.S. could arguably keep the peace in any given Baghdad city block indefinitely by keeping a sufficient number of troops there, but our troops can't be everywhere at once, and by all accounts chaos returns the moment they move on to the next block.

I know that Bush would like to frame the issue in terms of fighting totalitarianism, or "Islamofascism," but that's not what we're fighting in Iraq. We're fighting anybody and everybody with a gun or an improvised explosive who feels like taking a shot at us. And Bush consistently fails to give us any indication that he understands this. He wants to fight totalitarianism, and while a totalitarian regime may eventually emerge from the chaos of Iraq, there is no totalitarian regime there today. To paraphrase Donald Rumsfeld, we must deal with the enemy we have, not the enemy we wish we had.

Rock may beat Scissors every time, but we're not fighting Scissors right now.

As seen from the perspective of those who speak "crooked head."

2007-06-29T10:39:00.000-04:00

Via Haydesigner at Chaos Digest: "A very lengthy, but absolutely fascinating, article about a very isolated laguage from The New Yorker." Well worth taking the time to read.

John Leonard

2007-06-21T17:23:00.000-04:00

I once received an email from "spam" with a subject of "subject". Some people are not even trying.

The email had an attachment, a .gif file named "return nuclear". My antivirus software tells me there's nothing nasty in there, but I'm still afraid to open it.

The text of the email was gibberish, of course, and repetitive gibberish at that. However, as is frequently the case with spam email gibberish, some of it was rather amusing. The best bits were as follows:

To return nuclear gay marriage among ballot? Leader, install, new pm in, two weeks, ustop news.
Hosts poop, says nkorea, agrees to return.
Spam bots you need javascript enabled view it send.
Is being protected spam bots you!
Nkorea, agrees to return nuclear gay. Topnewscom contact top module empty main feeds latest newsmiami.
Leader install new pm in two. Issuesnew judge, expels defiant saddam from, genocide trialthai. Send, an enter your name. Spam bots you, need javascript enabled, view.
Ballot, issuesnew judge expels defiant. An enter your name message subject back copy. Nkorea agrees to return.
Install new pm, in two, weeks ustop. Enabled view it, send an, enter?

Several thoughts, with varying degrees of relatedness:

The gibberish texts of spam emails often resemble the writings of William S. Burroughs, particularly those he produced using the cut-up techniques he developed with Brion Gysin and Ian Sommerville. For those with any interest in the topic, I recommend reading Burroughs' essay "It Belongs to the Cucumbers," which can be found in his book The Adding Machine: Collected Essays. In that essay, Burroughs noted similarities between the writings produced by such techniques, texts transcribed by Konstantin Raudive of so-called "electronic voice phenomena," dream speech, words spoken in delirium, and the speech patterns of those suffering from schizophrenia. Had Burroughs lived to see the age of spam emails, I wonder what he would have thought of them.
Spam gibberish also resembles poorly-translated text ("Somebody set up us the bomb!") and the jokes of Yakov Smirnoff ("In Soviet Russia, protected spam bots you!")
It occurs to me that spam emails would be an excellent way for people to pass coded messages to each other. One could send a message that looks like spam to thousands of recipients, but only the intended recipient (for example, a deep-cover CIA agent stationed in Berzerkistan) knows to look within for his instructions ("Install new pm, in two, weeks ustop.") to topple the government and make sure a new, US-friendly prime minister takes office within two weeks. Or maybe the message carries instructions destined for a terrorist cell. Who would suspect?--It's just spam. And even if the authorities were wise to this technique, with thousands or millions of spam emails being sent each day, and with thousands or millions of people receiving each spam email, distinguishing the code-disguised-as-spam email from all the others and then finding the one recipient the email was actually intended for would be a nearly impossible task for any counterespionage agency or an anti-terrorism task force.
If anyone from the CIA, FBI, NSA, or any of the other three-letter agencies is reading this: Dudes, I just thought up that last bit on my own. I'm not a terrorist or an agent of any kind, so don't go disappearing me. If you want to round up the spammers and indefinitely detain them in one of your secret prisons, though, that's fine by me.
Spam emails could also be messages from dead souls drifting in limbo. I wonder what Raudive would say about this.
An enterprising con-artist could probably make a nice chunk of change by convincing the public that spam emails really are messages from dead relatives. I can imagine the TV ads now: "Is there an email from beyond the grave in your inbox? Forward your spam emails to Miss Cleo! She will interpret the messages from your loved ones in the afterlife! Only $3.99 for the first five emails!"
I hereby coin the term "spamomancy" to describe divination, the telling of fortunes, or communing with the dead by use of spam emails.
This blog has featured posts on many diverse topics since its birth nearly two years ago. Increasingly, this has resulted in people arriving at this blog via Google search results that happened to pick up on an odd phrase or other that was used here only once. This post will surely do much to contribute to this trend.

Is there an entomologist in the house?

2007-06-06T08:15:00.000-04:00

Despite having a cockroach as an occasional coblogger, I know very little about insects. So I need your help in identifying the pesky pests that staged a large-scale invasion of my house yesterday. Do you know what these are? How do I get rid of them and discourage them from returning?

Yet more evidence of pro-dog, anti-human media bias.

2007-05-31T16:50:00.000-04:00

New York Sun editor John B. Bogart once said, "When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news."

Everybody knows that al Qaeda is made up of bad guys. Really bad guys. Guys who hijack airplanes and fly them into buildings, killing thousands of innocent people. Guys who recruit young men and women to be suicide bombers. Guys who kidnap people, gruesomely behead them, and videotape the whole thing just so they can show the whole world how bad they are. There is ample reporting in the media of the evil things that they do. The fact that al Qaeda is made up of evil people who commit evil acts is, frankly, not news.

So consider the case of those who allege that some news organizations are biased because they didn't give sufficient coverage to a particular piece of evidence of how utterly evil al Qaeda is, and, in the same breath, imply that the media overhyped evidence of torture of prisoners by U.S. soldiers at Abu Ghraib.

Such people are morons.

I'll try to make this as simple as possible, for those who still don't understand.

When the people who are supposed to be the good guys do bad things, it is something that we the people need to know about. Reporting such things is not evidence of bias. It is just reporting, plain and simple. Such stories naturally get a lot of attention because people expect the good guys to act like good guys, and we are shocked and disappointed when they don't.

When bad people do bad things, that's newsworthy too. But when we read repeated accounts of the same bad people doing yet more bad things, we might be saddened, but we are not shocked or disappointed, because it is not so surprising to learn that people we already know to be bad have done bad things yet again. And when the news is already full of stories about the same group of bad people doing bad things over and over again, the failure to report on any particular horrible act is not evidence of bias. To allege otherwise not only reveals your own bias, it also reveals you to be an idiot. So you should stop making such foolish allegations, for your own good.

The Moustache of Understanding

2007-05-29T10:30:00.000-04:00

Bask in its insane glory.

What they needed to see was American boys and girls going house to house, from Basra to Baghdad, um and basically saying, "Which part of this sentence don't you understand?"

You don't think, you know, we care about our open society? You think, this bubble fantasy, we're just gonna to let it grow?

Well, Suck. On. This.

Okay.

That, Charlie, was what this war was about. We could've hit Saudi Arabia; it was part of that bubble. We coulda hit Pakistan. We hit Iraq because we could. That's the real truth.

(The quoted section starts about 5 minutes in.)

Via Atrios.

Yet another reason I admire Al Gore.

2007-05-25T16:41:00.000-04:00

He organizes his desk the same way I do.

All the world loves a lover.

2007-05-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

My nomination for the greatest ad ever: Charles Bronson for Man Dom.

Via DS in the comments at Unfogged.

I am become LOL, the destroyer of subtlety.

2007-05-11T08:33:00.000-04:00

What my proposed system would look like.

2007-05-10T15:41:00.000-04:00

(Click to enlarge.)

Back in the day, the G-men had style.

2007-05-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

According to Wikipedia, boaters "were supposedly worn by FBI agents as a sort of unofficial uniform in the pre-war years."

I for one think the world would be a better place if this tradition were to be revived. To give it a modern twist, they could match the color of their hat bands to the current terror threat level. I realize this could lead to abuses of the system if the higher-ups simply wanted to wear their red hat bands once in a while, but I think it's a risk worth taking.

Photography

2007-05-03T14:56:00.000-04:00

Lots of thoughts about what makes a great photo. (Via Amy Stein, via apostropher.)

Not If But When - photographs by Brian Ulrich.

Conan O'Brien and E.T.

I envy these men's fashion sense.

How Volkswagens are made.

Random Animal Parts

2007-05-02T16:19:00.000-04:00

The champion phallus from this Meller’s duck is a long, spiraling tentacle.

This excessive concern with little weasels is a sickness.

He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places.

Elephant Talk.

And to round out the lot, via Apostropher, the 30 strangest animal mating habits. Incredibly, human beings do not crack the top 30.

Holy Shit

2007-04-30T23:20:00.000-04:00

Former CIA analyst Ray McGovern accuses Vice President Dick Cheney of being behind the Niger forgeries.

I know that at this point this is just one man's accusation, and as of yet he has offered zilch in the way of hard evidence to back it up, but goddammit it has such a ring of truth to it.

Via.

I don't yet know how this fits into the number theory.

2007-04-20T14:50:00.000-04:00

Evidently, the United States Postal Service allows you to send baby ducks through the mail.

Instapundit gets letters! Of marque!

2007-04-04T11:32:00.000-04:00

One of Instapundit's many readers wrote in with an idea, and Glenn Reynolds thought he’d share that idea with all his readers. And add a few links to other people thinking along the same lines. But I'm sure this doesn't mean that Glenn is endorsing the idea or anything.

So what is this great idea?

Thing is, I've enough money to hand to train, equip, and deploy six people for six months in the area between Baghdad and Kabul. I'm ex-military, and I'm young enough to be up for a challenge.

Why not open-source the Global War on Terror?

Ex-military, and young enough to be up for a challenge, eh? Ever consider, you know, reenlisting in the military?? Cause I hear they’re having trouble recruiting enough people. Just a thought.

But you are your own man. And you know better than big, bad, bureaucratic government how this war should be fought. So let’s see how this would play out--private citizens striking out on their own, free from government oversight and accountability, waging war as they see fit. Hmm, what does that remind me of? Could it be, oh, I dunno, terrorism, perhaps? Six people would make a nice-sized terrorist cell, wouldn’t it?

Now then, where was it you said you were thinking of deploying to?

I've enough money to hand to train, equip, and deploy six people for six months in the area between Baghdad and Kabul.

Where? The area between Baghdad and Kabul? Hmm, I wonder what’s in between Baghdad and Kabul . . . As a geographically-challenged American, I have absolutely no idea! Maybe I should get a map and take a look.

All in all, a first-rate idea. If we had more ideas like that, I'm sure we'd have this whole Global War on Terror thing wrapped up in no time.

MAE’s Number Theory of Ducks

2007-03-23T13:53:00.000-04:00

If ducks were integers, every other duck would be an odd duck.
If every other duck were an odd duck, odd ducks would not be odd at all.
If there were no odd ducks, I would not exist, as it has been pointed out to me that I am an odd duck.
I think I am, therefore I am (I think.) Therefore, ducks are not integers.
The same logic can be used to demonstrate that ducks are neither natural* nor negative.**
Anyone who has ever tried to reason with a duck knows that ducks are not rational.
The set of real ducks consists of irrational ducks and dead ducks.
The set of all ducks consists of real ducks and imaginary ducks.
Ducks that have a real part and an imaginary part are known as complex ducks.***

* The fact that ducks are not natural has been viewed by some as lending support to the theory of intelligent design. We will not explore such implications at this time.

** We frequently receive reports from those who claim to have encountered negative ducks. In every such case that we have investigated, it was found that the duck in question was not negative but was merely offering valid criticism.

*** An example of a complex duck would be a duck with real wings and imaginary antlers.

I've been myself lately.

2007-01-22T16:55:00.000-05:00

The Ego has been busy dealing with all sorts of serious, real world stuff of late. In order to properly deal with this stuff, he's been trying to cut down on distractions and things that eat up large quantities of precious time. As a result, there has been very little time available for the Alter Ego to hang out with the other brains-in-vats he has come to know and love. We expect that this state of affairs is likely to continue for some time.

Signing statement.

2007-01-04T12:02:00.000-05:00

Once again, President Bush has shown himself to be a man of vision. His creative use of signing statements shows he understands the need to cut through the red tape and hassle that are always involved with trivialities like the legislative process and judicial oversight.

Some people have called for an end to the use of signing statements. This is just plain wrong. No, we must expand the use of signing statements. These things are just too damn useful! But why let the chief executive have all the fun? I say everybody ought to jump on the signing statement bandwagon.

I personally plan to make use of this power when I attach the following signing statement to my 2007 income tax return:

While I recognize the power of Congress to lay and collect taxes on incomes as granted by the Sixteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, emergency situations and other extenuating circumstances sometimes call for a streamlining of this process.

To wit, the U.S. Congress in its yearly budget allocates certain funds for the maintenance of law and order in the United States and its territories. These budget items are paid for with taxpayer dollars. However, the process of collecting and accounting for income taxes introduces inefficiency and waste (e.g., the salaries of IRS agents and auditors) into the spending process. Furthermore, the legislative budgetary process often causes long delays in allocating government spending on matters that require urgent attention.

It has recently come to my attention that in the U.S. Virgin Islands there are numerous young women aged 18-25 who are severely in need of discipline. This constitutes a law enforcement emergency. Since our government is a government of, by, and for the people, I hereby appoint myself as a federal marshal assigned to the keeping of law and order in the U.S. territory named above. Further, I hereby budget for this urgent mission the taxpayer funds that would otherwise have been paid to the IRS by me. I assure the Congress and the IRS that I will act efficiently and decisively in this matter, that I will abide by the terms of the Geneva Convention, and that I will administer spankings and body cavity searches only when absolutely necessary.

Thank you, President Bush, for making all this possible.

Good for what ailed me.

2007-01-03T00:17:00.000-05:00

Aventinus Weizen Eisbock. I am feeling no pain.

Fill in the blanks.

2007-01-02T11:04:00.000-05:00

Complete each sentence below with the first word or phrase that comes to mind. Please be so kind as to share your responses in the comments.

Women who post nude photos of themselves on the Internet are ________.

Men who post nude photos of themselves on the Internet are ________.

Goodbye, 2006.

2006-12-31T22:04:00.000-05:00

Being but men, we walked into the trees
Afraid, letting our syllables be soft
For fear of waking the rooks,
For fear of coming
Noiselessly into a world of wings and cries.

If we were children we might climb,
Catch the rooks sleeping, and break no twig,
And, after the soft ascent,
Thrust out our heads above the branches
To wonder at the unfailing stars.

Out of confusion, as the way is,
And the wonder that man knows,
Out of the chaos would come bliss.

That, then, is loveliness, we said,
Children in wonder watching the stars,
Is the aim and the end.

Being but men, we walked into the trees.

-Dylan Thomas, "Being But Men"

Iraq

2006-12-28T13:52:00.000-05:00

Apostropher drew my attention to the fact that it looks like last call at the Whiskey Bar has come and gone. I've always had a favorable opinion of Billmon, even if he never made in into my regular reading rotation. But Billmon's retirement from blogging is not what I'm going to write about here.

In Billmon's penultimate post, he draws our attention to this quote from Condi Rice:

This [Iraq] is a country that is worth the investment because once it emerges as a country that is a stabilizing factor, you'll have a very different kind of Middle East. And I know that from the point of view of not just monetary costs, but the sacrifice of American lives, a lot has been sacrificed for Iraq, a lot has been invested in Iraq.

Billmon points out that to speak of American soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq as an "investment" seems cold and heartless. True enough, but that's not what I'm going to write about either.

The bit that really caught my attention was this:

once it emerges as a country that is a stabilizing factor, you'll have a very different kind of Middle East

I've heard and read variations on this assertion countless times before. For various reasons I've never really focused much attention on this particular assertion, but I think it is long overdue for careful scrutiny.

Certainly no reasonable person would question the potential for a broken, war-torn Iraq to have a destabilizing influence on the region. But what would it really mean for Iraq to be a "stabilizing factor?"

Close your eyes and imagine for a moment a magical world in which a reverse-Murphy's-Law begins to operate in Iraq. If anything can go right it will. Sunnis and Shiites see the futility of civil war and stop fighting each other. Insurgents from other countries pack up and go home. The infrastructure is repaired and made better than it ever was before. Free and fair elections are held, and the losing parties accept defeat gracefully and vow to work within the system to try to achieve their goals. The Iraqi police and armed forces become exemplary keepers of the peace, able to maintain civil order and protect against foreign threats.

Heck, while we're at it, let's even imagine that we find a huge stockpile of weapons of mass destruction and long-range missiles with the latitude and longitude of major U.S. cities programmed into their tracking systems, thus proving that the U.S. invasion of Iraq was entirely justified. Having disarmed these weapons, the coalition forces are able to go home, secure in the knowledge that the flourishing democracy that Iraq has become is safe and secure.

Gee, that sure would be great, wouldn't it?

But I still don't see how it would make Iraq a "stabilizing factor" in the region.

How, specifically, would the fact that things are going swimmingly in Iraq make the fundamentalist ayatollahs in Iran any less crazy? Would the Palestinians stop fighting the Israelis and each other simply because the people over in Iraq are savoring their freedoms? Is anyone seriously suggesting that Hezbollah terrorists in Syria and Lebanon would lay down their arms and espouse nonviolence purely out of a desire to emulate the peaceful, democratic ways of their Iraqi neighbors?

I'm not saying that a peaceful, stable, democratic Iraq wouldn't be a great thing; it sure as hell would. But first and foremost it would be a great thing for the people of Iraq. And for that reason and that reason alone I hope some policy genius comes up with some way reversing the downward spiral of violence and chaos in Iraq.

Let's stop imagining the Middle East to be some sort of Rube Goldberg contraption where the stabilization of Iraq magically leads to the establishment of democracy in another country, then another, then another. Instead, let's put all talk of broader strategic aims aside and put our heads together and see if there is any way, whether by leaving or by staying, by working with our friends or those we call our enemies, to undo even in small part the mess we have made of Iraq. And let's do it for the Iraqi people. Because they deserve it, and we owe it to them.

Elect 'em if you got 'em.

2006-12-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

John Edwards announced today that he will seek the nomination of the Democratic Party for president of the United States in 2008. I caught part of the announcement speech. He tackled foreign policy, particularly Iraq, head on. I think he's put a workable [read: electable] platform together.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

2006-12-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

Rorschach Test

2006-12-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

In the unlikely event that you read this blog and don't also read Unfogged or apostropher, you owe it to yourself to check out this photo.

As I noted in the comments at Unfogged, the picture is amazing because it captures everything that conservatives adore these men for and everything that liberals despise them for.

And as snarkout said, "If they just keep going down that road, Cheney's going to get a heart, Bush is going to get a brain, and Rumsfeld is going to get a medal that proves he has courage."

Best Self Portraits Ever

2006-12-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

Check out Noah Kalina's Flickr photostream. Do you have any self portraits that are better than these? Any that are even remotely as cool as these? I submit to you that you do not. You are therefore allowed to be jealous.

If you get the feeling you have seen Noah before, you might have seen him here.

What doesn't kill us makes us laugh.

2006-12-18T10:23:00.000-05:00

Once again, apostropher serves up the awesome.

Synchronicity

2006-12-12T10:05:00.000-05:00

A close friend of mine tried unsuccessfully to take her own life the other night. As a result, I find it deeply appropriate that I will be greeted with this image every time I use the Google today:

Thankfully, my sense of humor is such that I am of a mind to appreciate the aptness of this image on this particular day.

Life is funny. There is humor to be found in all aspects of it, even the darkest parts. If my friend had been able to find some humor in her situation, perhaps she would not have taken the action she did.

So on behalf of my friend, take a look whatever it is in your life that gets you down and have a good laugh at it. You'll feel better, and you will thereby make the world a slightly better place than it was.

Zeno's Paradox?

2006-12-11T23:30:00.000-05:00

A fellow named Zeno takes me to task regarding my avowed goal of growing wings and antlers:

This comparison to Bush's words is the most unfair of all. As a man who is close to the earth—a gentleman farmer and rancher who is practically a naturalist—the president is well aware that wings and antlers are not compatible in nature.

As a man of learning—a gentleman loser and rauncher who is practically unnatural—I believe what I read in books. I meet Zeno's challenge to my credibility with the most hallowed of academic traditions, the citation. Here is the source that sparked my dream:

Gygax, E. Gary. 1977. Monster Manual. Lake Geneva: TSR Hobbies, Inc.

For those whose university libraries are not fortunate enough to have this rare volume on their shelves, I reproduce the relevant portion of page 78.

I stand vindicated! This combination of features is found in nature, and I shall grow them on my own body!

I do not, however, believe in imposing artificial timetables on my dreams. My wings and antlers will grow in their own good time. Until then, I will adapt to win.

Maybe I'll try some Rogaine. I hear that stuff works miracles.

S = r * t

2006-12-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

In his joint press conference with Tony Blair yesterday, President Bush was asked whether he was capable of admitting his past failures with regard to the Iraq war. In response he stated "I do know that we have not succeeded as fast as we wanted to succeed," and went on to say "I thought we would succeed quicker than we did, and I am disappointed by the pace of success."

Brilliant! Sheer genius! I tip my hat to the master of rhetoric behind these words! By applying this approach to my problems and those of the people in my life, I am able to see the world in a much more positive light. For example:

I am disappointed by the pace at which I am winning the powerball lottery.
I have not succeeded as fast I had hoped in convincing my wife that twice-daily blowjobs are necessary for our mutual happiness.
My nephew who dropped out of high school and is now dealing crystal meth? We are all disappointed by the rate at which he is finishing his doctoral dissertation.
My plan to grow wings and antlers is slightly behind schedule.

There now, I feel better already!

I read the news today. Oh, boy!!!!!

2006-12-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

Mashups and remixes of Beatles songs by Sir George Martin and his son Giles, using the original master tapes of the entire Beatles catalog at Abbey Road Studios!

Download the new "Strawberry Fields Forever", which mashes the original song together with bits of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," "Penny Lane," and "Piggies," and among others.

Wow. Just wow.

Via BoingBoing.

Update: I went out and bought this new album, titled Love, during my lunch break and started listening to it on my drive home.

Good god, what an album!

I don't want to overhype this or anything, and this may be a bit of a stretch considering I haven't even listened to the whole thing yet, but I think strong case could be made to support the claim that this is the greatest album of all time. Seriously.

A strong recommendation for those of you who haven't bought the album yet: do not look at the track listing before or as you listen to it the first time. That way as you listen you won't know what's coming next, and boy oh boy will you be in for some surprises.

I've got some driving to do later tonight, so I get to listen to the rest in a short while.

From the special edition DVD, perhaps?

2006-11-30T14:12:00.000-05:00

Via LeisureGuy, one of the most wonderfully sick and twisted things I've seen in a long time: an alternate ending to A Charlie Brown Christmas.

An endorsement.

2006-11-28T10:40:00.000-05:00

I don't usually watch continuing-plot-format television series. Even the much hyped and critically acclaimed cable-TV series of recent years such as The Sopranos, Deadwood, and The Wire have gone unwatched by me. The main balking point for me has been the time commitment involved. First there's the need to schedule your viewing. Sure, I know I could get a TiVo and this problem would disappear, but as of now I still don't have one. Yes, I could use my VCR to record each episode and watch it at my leisure, but I don't feel like making the effort. OK, OK, I know that past seasons of these shows are available on DVD, but the sheer bulk of the accumulated material intimidates me. According to Amazon.com the DVDs of season 1 of The Wire have a run time of 780 minutes! Yes, I've done the math, and that's only 13 hours, but 13 hours is a lot of time. Time I could fritter away quite unproductively on the Internet, thank you. To sum up, I've got all my excuses lined up, and I will not be watching any of these series any time soon.

But I have made an exception.

I happened to catch one of the first episodes of Showtime's new series Dexter. I kept watching, and now I'm hooked. I find everything about the show to be exquisitely well done. The central premise (a Miami police forensics expert who leads a double life as a serial killer) is one that a mediocre writing team could have made into something gimmicky, but the writing has been consistently sharp and delightfully dark throughout. The multiple plot lines are well balanced and engaging. The production values are great, and the casting is excellent; though I admit that the actress who plays Dexter's sister annoyed me at first, she has grown on me. In short, the show is fucking awesome. I almost hope that they limit it to one season, though, because it's hard for me to imagine that they could maintain this level of quality over multiple seasons. I would prefer to see this show end its run at the top of its game.

Is sending more troops to Iraq the solution?

2006-11-22T10:54:00.000-05:00

Not if the additional troops we send are anything like these dickheads.

To be clear, I support the troops, and I know the vast majority of our men and women in uniform are not insensitive bastards like the ones who made this video. But goddamn, as an American it pisses me off that anyone who represents my country thinks pulling shit like this is even remotely funny. This is the kind of insulting treatment that causes kids to grow up to be terrorists.

Link via LeisureGuy.

I am one-to-twenty with the universe.

2006-11-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

The fact that we grew up watching stuff like this, and especially this(!!!), on Sesame Street is one of the many things that has made my generation so awesome.

God, I love YouTube. I've been wanting to see those clips again for years.

OWL Music Search

2006-11-17T12:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't actually tried this out myself yet, but when Lawrence Lessig describes something as "easily the coolest technology I’ve seen in years", I know it has to be pretty amazing.

A step in the right direction.

2006-11-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

Thank you, fellow voters of the United States of America, for coming to your senses.

Amerika Votes!

2006-11-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

If you want me to believe that the U.S. can establish a democratic government in Iraq, first prove to me that we can hold free and fair elections in Ohio.

Bonus points to the first Republican to claim that nobody could possibly have foreseen these problems.

Via apostropher.

Chromatic Harmony

2006-10-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

There are some people out there who will find this endlessly fascinating, even when not under the influence of mind-altering substances. I am one of those people.

Via Crooked Timber.

Checklist

2006-10-26T09:22:00.000-04:00

This is a product designed with people like me in mind.

Lady was a Tramp Toad-Sucker

2006-10-25T13:56:00.000-04:00

And this was the other story on All Things Considered yesterday that really got my attention.

Again, via BoingBoing.

Hospitals and Other Institutions Dumping Patients on LA's Skid Row

2006-10-25T13:27:00.000-04:00

I heard a report about this on All Things Considered yesterday, and I could not believe what I was hearing.

Read, and be horrified. Here are a few of the horrifying details, but do click through and read the whole thing.

Police have long suspected that several institutions, including law enforcement agencies from outside the city, were using the downtown neighborhood as a dumping ground for homeless people. This is the first criminal probe by the LAPD into the practice.

In one case, a man dropped off at Skid Row was in fact not homeless, said Smith, the LAPD captain. A police officer took him home and the man's family was "outraged," he said.

"Not only did they not know that he was discharged, but the fact that he had been brought to Skid Row instead of being brought home was what further outraged that family," Smith said at a news conference Tuesday. [emphasis mine]

Six-word SF stories.

2006-10-25T10:50:00.000-04:00

This Wired article, (via BoingBoing) features short stories by dozens of well-known science-fiction and fantasy authors. Very short stories. Six words long, to be precise. Here are a few of my favorites:

Vacuum collision. Orbits diverge. Farewell, love.
- David Brin

Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so.
- Joss Whedon

With bloody hands, I say good-bye.
- Frank Miller

It cost too much, staying human.
- Bruce Sterling

It’s behind you! Hurry before it
- Rockne S. O’Bannon

The Axis in WWII: haiku! Gesundheit.
- Howard Waldrop

God to Earth: “Cry more, noobs!”
- Marc Laidlaw

We would not dare claim to be writers of the same calibre as those above, but this challenge is too enticing to pass up. Here, therefore, are our humble offerings:

Identity diverged into multiple snarky fragments.
- My Alter Ego

Giant mutant cockroaches liveblogged the apocalypse.
- Giant Mutant Cockroach

Why not give it a try yourself?

Way Cool

2006-10-24T11:35:00.000-04:00

Photos of a Space Shuttle launch as seen from the International Space Station!!!

Via MetaFilter.

Update: The consensus among the MetaFilter commenters is that the photos are not from the ISS. But they are nevertheless way cool.

Beyond Awesome

2006-10-20T17:30:00.000-04:00

Via BoingBoing, a website featuring scans of the cover pages of 1520 issues of Italian pulp SF magazine Urania. The oldest ones, dating from the early 1950s, are my favorites. Here are a few that caught my eye:

Your choice of car indicates that you are compensating for something.

Schrodinger's Cat is back . . . and he's really pissed!

Really, really pissed!

WTF?

I have seen the future . . . and it is teh hott!!

Pick your favorite and insert here.

2006-10-20T11:03:00.001-04:00

For some inexplicable reason, my favorite is this one:

I haven't posted in awhile. I was planning on working more on my chibi characters.

But I admit, this one is hard to beat.

Pimp My Roach

2006-10-12T12:39:00.000-04:00

The ultimate fashion statement! A real, live giant Madagascar hissing cockroach! A roach you can wear! But this is not just any roach! No, when you step out, this roach brings the bling! Order yours today!

Via MetaFilter. (Click through for more weirdness.)

A lame joke, in poor taste.

2006-10-12T11:53:00.000-04:00

Former Congressman Mark Foley (R-FL) recently got the boot because of his fondness for "naughty" emails and instant messages.

What are his two favorite keys on the computer keyboard?