I'll change if you vote me in as the pres, The President of your soul.

Yes we can.
Yes we did.
Yes we will.

Giant Mutant Cockroach interviews Joe the Plumber

GMC: So, Joe . . . Can I call you Joe?

JtP: Sure, why not. Can I smash you with a shoe?

GMC: I'd rather you didn't. So let's drop the pretense. You're not really Joe the plumber, are you?

JtP: And you're not really a giant cockroach.

GMC: Touché.

JtP: But in any case, it doesn't matter that I'm not the real Joe the plumber, because the Joe the plumber that John McCain and Sarah Palin have been talking about is not the real Joe the Plumber. They've been talking about me.

GMC: So who are you, exactly?

JtP: I'm the Joe the Plumber that lives in the heart of every real American. And Barack Obama wants to raise my taxes. And that's downright unamerican.

GMC: But Joe, Obama will only raise taxes on those earning more than $250,000 a year. You don't earn anywhere near that much, do you?

JtP: See, that's the really insidious part of Obama's evil plan. Sure, I'm not earning that much yet. But someday I might! That's my dream, that's the American dream, and Barack Obama wants to tax the American dream! Sure I may only be pulling in thirty grand now, and I may be living in a rented doublewide, but at night I dream of owning a mansion. A really huge mansion. But as soon as I start dreaming, along comes Obama, saying he'll raise my taxes, and because of that I'll only be able to afford a 9,000 square foot mansion, instead of the 9,500 square feet I always dreamed of! Instead of buying a Rolls Royce, I'll have to settle for a Bentley. Hell, if I gotta compromise my dreams that way, it's not even worth striving for them. In fact, I don't think I'll even go in to work tomorrow.

GMC: Damn, Joe, that is bad. I never realised that when you raise taxes on the rich by even a small amount people will stop wanting to be rich. That could have a devastating effect on the whole economy!

JtP: Sure, 'cause if you can't be dirty, stinkin', filthy rich, what's the point? You might as well just be poor.

GMC: So if that's the case, why doesn't John McCain propose cutting taxes on the rich to zero? Then the poor would have no excuses any more. They couldn't help but work hard to try to be rich!

JtP: How do you know he won't do just that? Didn't you hear him last week when he said he's got the Democrats right where he wants 'em? He's been lulling them into complacency, and next week, in the final week of the campaign, he'll spring his "zero taxes on the rich" plan on the unsuspecting public. And it'll be too late for the Democrats to react. John McCain will win in a landslide!

GMC: Christ, what a maverick!

JtP: Yeah, it almost makes me feel sorry for the Democrats. They'll never know what hit 'em.

"Here I come to save the day!"

John McCain is fast becoming the Andy Kaufman of presidential politics. When he calls a press conference to invite Obama to agree to changing the format of the debate to a wrestling match, you'll know it's all over.

America, this is the LAST thing we need in a President.

John McCain, appearing on the Rachel Ray show:

"My hero is Jack Bauer," he said.

Modus Operandi

Remember last year when former CIA analyst Ray McGovern accused Vice President Dick Cheney of being behind the Niger forgeries?

Now Ron Suskind claims in his new book that the White House ordered the CIA to forge a back-dated, handwritten letter from the head of Iraqi intelligence to Saddam Hussein that would state that 9/11 ringleader Mohammad Atta had actually trained for his mission in Iraq.

From the linked Politico article: “It is not the sort of offense, such as assault or burglary, that carries specific penalties, for example, a fine or jail time,” Suskind writes. “It is much broader than that. It pertains to the White House’s knowingly misusing an arm of government, the sort of thing generally taken up in impeachment proceedings.”

I seriously doubt that this will lead to impeachment proceedings, and that doesn't really bother me. Sure, I'd like to see it happen, but I'm sympathetic to the argument that at this point in the election cycle impeachment proceedings might be counterproductive to the aim of making sure Barack Obama wins the election in November. What does bother me somewhat is the possibility that Congress won't even make a serious effort to investigate the truth of Suskind's claims, and that even if they attempt to do so the White House will successfully stonewall the investigation, as they have countless times before. But what bothers me the most is the likelihood that the vast majority of the American public won't get even slightly angry about this, that we won't see the sort of public outrage about this that would make Congress seriously consider impeachment. Instead, the public will be distracted by the thought that in some way Barack Obama is somehow the political equivalent of Paris Hilton. I hope I'm wrong about this, but I fear I'm not.

Grrrrrrrr.

(Slightly) Shorter Joe Lieberman:

Just lie back and think of England America.

"But they all look alike to me."

Via Talking Points Memo, we learn of Karl Rove's recent characterization of Barack Obama:

He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.

Sorry, Karl, you've got Obama confused with a different black guy:

I hereby announce my third-party candidacy.

I have recently become aware that I have a ready-made constituency, eager to propel me to the White House!

On behalf of millions of Clinton supporters who have made it very clear that we will vote for a cockroach before we vote for Barack Obama, I would like you pieces of Obama crap to know that you can kiss our asses.

O disgruntled millions, your dream candidate is here! I want you to know that this cockroach feels your pain. But our road to victory will not be an easy one. Currently Barack Obama and John McCain have much greater name recognition than Giant Mutant Cockroach. Hell, as it stands now I bet even Bob Barr could kick my ass in the voting booth. So I'll need to raise a lot of money between now and November, and I'm counting on you, the disgruntled Hillary supporters, to give it to me. Preferably in cash. Just shove a few tens or twenties under the refrigerator. I promise to spend it all on campaign advertising. Really. Not one dime will go towards the purchase of my yacht.

So what are my policy positions? Who gives a shit! All that matters is that I'm a cockroach, not that upstart Barack Obama. That alone should get me your vote. Why should you care that I will pack the Supreme Court with my enormous insect cronies? Or that I will abolish the FDA and make pesticide use punishable by death? Remember, all that matters is that together we can deny Obama the presidency! The Obama! It stole our preciousss! We hates it forever!

Giant Mutant Cockroach in '08! Vengeance Victory will be ours!

Sample Size = 2

A few data points to consider:

My father (white male, age 70) consistently voted Republican in presidential elections until at least 2000. Earlier this year he said he would probably vote for Bloomberg if he were to announce an independent bid. Following Bloomberg's announcement that he would not run, Obama became his candidate of choice. He thinks McCain is to old to be president ("He's as old as I am!"). He respects McCain's record of military service but thinks McCain doesn't really know what he's talking about when it comes to economic and foreign policy.

My mother (white female, age 68) notes that she is in the demographic that is supposed to be Sen. Clinton's base of support. However, she finds Barack Obama to be inspiring and eagerly looks forward to voting for him in the fall. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, reminds her of Tracy Flick.

I only wish my parents lived in Pennsylvania.

If it ain't brokered . . .

After helping the Republicans decide that John McCain would likely be their candidate, Super Tuesday was all tuckered out and retreated to its Fortress of Solitude, leaving unfinished the task of selecting a Democratic nominee. With things still up in the air, there is talk of the Democrats going old school and actually choosing a candidate at the convention! How exciting is that! After years of getting by with political methadone, political junkies might finally get a taste of the real thing!

Will there be smoke-filled rooms? Yes, but this is not your grandfather's Democratic Party, so things will be different. Instead of smoke from five-cent cigars, these rooms will be filled with environmentally-friendly, carbon-neutral eco-smoke, made by burning recycled hemp fibers over flames of hope fueled by the dreams of an all-inclusive multicultural America! After the convention, the smoke will be sequestered deep underground, where the immense weight of the earth's crust will compress it into diamonds!

All this convention talk brings back fond memories of my first convention. It was 1984. Walter Koenig was there, and they showed a reel of Star Trek bloopers. Lots of guys were dressed in costumes, and at one of the vendor's tables I found a long-sought-after copy of Champion of Garathorm, the missing volume I needed to complete my set of the second Hawkmoon trilogy! Could the 2008 Democratic Convention possibly be as exciting as that one? Maybe, but my first time will always hold a special place in my heart.