Titles that J.D. Salinger considered but ultimately rejected before settling on Catcher in the Rye:

• Pitcher in the Millet
• Shortstop in the Barley
• First Baseman in the Winter Wheat
• Utility Infielder in the Flax
• Third Base Coach in the Triticale
• Umpire in the Oats
• Bat Boy in the Amaranth

A partial list of things which, as a result of disinterest so profound it borders on the hostile, I hereby publicly express an unwillingness to give:

• a hoot
• a fig
• a dang
• a darn
• a damn
• a tinker's cuss
• a crap
• a good God damn
• a shit
• a rat's ass
• a fuck¹

1: neither the flying variety nor the more common flightless variety shall be given

Not a bad way to spend an evening.

I'm sitting alone in a dark room, with not a stitch of clothing on me, singing, playing the piano and sipping malt whiskey. At least, that's what I was doing before I decided to come share the experience with you, the Internet.

Just wondering . . .

My colleague the Giant Mutant Cockroach has made a stunning insight into Newt Gingrich's behavior.

What if Newt Gingrich is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand inter-dimensional slime leeches from Galaxy 12 can you begin to piece together his actions?

I believe that is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior.

The German Pirate Party reads this blog!

Or great minds think alike. Or something like that.

My Junk: Let Me Show You It.

Frankly, I don't care if some TSA screener wants to feel me up or scan my body contours before I get on a plane. Not because I feel these procedures are in any way necessary or helpful in preventing acts of terrorism; on the contrary, I think these procedures are an enormous waste of time and money. It's just that I don't care. Grope and peep away. I can see how others might not feel the same way, and I sympathize, but personally I just don't give a shit. If they are going to touch my junk, though, I would hope they would at least have the common courtesy to provide a "happy ending."

I understand there's a movement brewing to protest these procedures by having people opt out en masse. I'd like to see the protest go the other way. Let's make the full body scanners irrelevant. What's the minimum amount of clothing you can wear in an airport without getting arrested for indecent exposure? I'd love to see a protest involving thousands of people of all ages and body types going through security wearing nothing but teeny bikinis and banana hammocks. If the TSA employees knew that going to work every day would involve seeing grandma in nothing but a thong and pasties and grandpa bedecked in a budgie smuggler, how long would it be before they went on strike?

Metasyntactic Constant

This post is a placeholder for the post that I would have written if I had something to say.

Encouraging Thought of the Day

It could be worse. In fact, it is likely that very soon it will be worse. But even when it does get worse, we will still be able to say that it could be even worse than that. And for that we should be grateful.

And one more, for bad measure.

An explorer from South Carolina
Who'd spent many years criss-crossing China
Said a woman he'd met
In the snows of Tibet
Really did have a sideways vagina.

Since I'm not doing anything useful with this blog . . .

A mathematician named Lex
Claimed he'd solved the equation of sex
And he found that the ratio
Of ass to fellatio
Was equal to y over x.

And he further explained with a shout
His solution for working it out:
“Your relationships past
Are subtracted at last,
And your exes will all cancel out.”