Signing statement.

Once again, President Bush has shown himself to be a man of vision. His creative use of signing statements shows he understands the need to cut through the red tape and hassle that are always involved with trivialities like the legislative process and judicial oversight.

Some people have called for an end to the use of signing statements. This is just plain wrong. No, we must expand the use of signing statements. These things are just too damn useful! But why let the chief executive have all the fun? I say everybody ought to jump on the signing statement bandwagon.

I personally plan to make use of this power when I attach the following signing statement to my 2007 income tax return:

While I recognize the power of Congress to lay and collect taxes on incomes as granted by the Sixteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, emergency situations and other extenuating circumstances sometimes call for a streamlining of this process.

To wit, the U.S. Congress in its yearly budget allocates certain funds for the maintenance of law and order in the United States and its territories. These budget items are paid for with taxpayer dollars. However, the process of collecting and accounting for income taxes introduces inefficiency and waste (e.g., the salaries of IRS agents and auditors) into the spending process. Furthermore, the legislative budgetary process often causes long delays in allocating government spending on matters that require urgent attention.

It has recently come to my attention that in the U.S. Virgin Islands there are numerous young women aged 18-25 who are severely in need of discipline. This constitutes a law enforcement emergency. Since our government is a government of, by, and for the people, I hereby appoint myself as a federal marshal assigned to the keeping of law and order in the U.S. territory named above. Further, I hereby budget for this urgent mission the taxpayer funds that would otherwise have been paid to the IRS by me. I assure the Congress and the IRS that I will act efficiently and decisively in this matter, that I will abide by the terms of the Geneva Convention, and that I will administer spankings and body cavity searches only when absolutely necessary.

Thank you, President Bush, for making all this possible.