Friday, October 24, 2008

Giant Mutant Cockroach interviews Joe the Plumber

GMC: So, Joe . . . Can I call you Joe?

JtP: Sure, why not. Can I smash you with a shoe?

GMC: I'd rather you didn't. So let's drop the pretense. You're not really Joe the plumber, are you?

JtP: And you're not really a giant cockroach.

GMC: Touché.

JtP: But in any case, it doesn't matter that I'm not the real Joe the plumber, because the Joe the plumber that John McCain and Sarah Palin have been talking about is not the real Joe the Plumber. They've been talking about me.

GMC: So who are you, exactly?

JtP: I'm the Joe the Plumber that lives in the heart of every real American. And Barack Obama wants to raise my taxes. And that's downright unamerican.

GMC: But Joe, Obama will only raise taxes on those earning more than $250,000 a year. You don't earn anywhere near that much, do you?

JtP: See, that's the really insidious part of Obama's evil plan. Sure, I'm not earning that much yet. But someday I might! That's my dream, that's the American dream, and Barack Obama wants to tax the American dream! Sure I may only be pulling in thirty grand now, and I may be living in a rented doublewide, but at night I dream of owning a mansion. A really huge mansion. But as soon as I start dreaming, along comes Obama, saying he'll raise my taxes, and because of that I'll only be able to afford a 9,000 square foot mansion, instead of the 9,500 square feet I always dreamed of! Instead of buying a Rolls Royce, I'll have to settle for a Bentley. Hell, if I gotta compromise my dreams that way, it's not even worth striving for them. In fact, I don't think I'll even go in to work tomorrow.

GMC: Damn, Joe, that is bad. I never realised that when you raise taxes on the rich by even a small amount people will stop wanting to be rich. That could have a devastating effect on the whole economy!

JtP: Sure, 'cause if you can't be dirty, stinkin', filthy rich, what's the point? You might as well just be poor.

GMC: So if that's the case, why doesn't John McCain propose cutting taxes on the rich to zero? Then the poor would have no excuses any more. They couldn't help but work hard to try to be rich!

JtP: How do you know he won't do just that? Didn't you hear him last week when he said he's got the Democrats right where he wants 'em? He's been lulling them into complacency, and next week, in the final week of the campaign, he'll spring his "zero taxes on the rich" plan on the unsuspecting public. And it'll be too late for the Democrats to react. John McCain will win in a landslide!

GMC: Christ, what a maverick!

JtP: Yeah, it almost makes me feel sorry for the Democrats. They'll never know what hit 'em.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

"Here I come to save the day!"

John McCain is fast becoming the Andy Kaufman of presidential politics. When he calls a press conference to invite Obama to agree to changing the format of the debate to a wrestling match, you'll know it's all over.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Good practical advice.

Always make sure the cap is screwed on before you begin to aggressively shake the bottle of salad dressing.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Modus Operandi

Remember last year when former CIA analyst Ray McGovern accused Vice President Dick Cheney of being behind the Niger forgeries?

Now Ron Suskind claims in his new book that the White House ordered the CIA to forge a back-dated, handwritten letter from the head of Iraqi intelligence to Saddam Hussein that would state that 9/11 ringleader Mohammad Atta had actually trained for his mission in Iraq.

From the linked Politico article: “It is not the sort of offense, such as assault or burglary, that carries specific penalties, for example, a fine or jail time,” Suskind writes. “It is much broader than that. It pertains to the White House’s knowingly misusing an arm of government, the sort of thing generally taken up in impeachment proceedings.”

I seriously doubt that this will lead to impeachment proceedings, and that doesn't really bother me. Sure, I'd like to see it happen, but I'm sympathetic to the argument that at this point in the election cycle impeachment proceedings might be counterproductive to the aim of making sure Barack Obama wins the election in November. What does bother me somewhat is the possibility that Congress won't even make a serious effort to investigate the truth of Suskind's claims, and that even if they attempt to do so the White House will successfully stonewall the investigation, as they have countless times before. But what bothers me the most is the likelihood that the vast majority of the American public won't get even slightly angry about this, that we won't see the sort of public outrage about this that would make Congress seriously consider impeachment. Instead, the public will be distracted by the thought that in some way Barack Obama is somehow the political equivalent of Paris Hilton. I hope I'm wrong about this, but I fear I'm not.


Thursday, July 03, 2008

My Profanity-laced Rant Against the Media

It seems we have a global food crisis on our hands. Who knew? Well I sure as hell wouldn't, if the major news outlets were all I paid attention to. Why do I have to go to National fucking Geographic to find out about this? What network news editor decided that telling the American people about a global food crisis was a less important story than manufactured outrage about something Wes Clark said? Why aren't all the networks starting their broadcasts by screaming "Ohmifuckingod! We're out of food!!! HALP!"? Sure, I catch these little snippets here and there, such as stories about Japan's butter shortage or about Costco rationing basmati rice in California. But where is the big picture view? Why do these stories have to be doled out like little clues leading up to the two-part season finale in which it is revealed that the food crisis is the result of the Daleks stealing the Earth's food to feed their new army of genetically-engineered pig slaves?

I see this as yet another sign of the decline of our media. It's lamentable but relatively unimportant that there are now kids entering college who do not remember a time when you could turn on MTV and see music videos. (Yeah, yeah, get off my lawn, yadda yadda . . .) But is it too much to ask that I be able to turn on CNN Headline News and be able to watch, you know, a summary of news headlines? Isn't that the whole point of the network? When I was a kid and we only had the three major networks plus PBS, you could watch the evening news at 6:30pm or not at all. If you wanted to watch the news while eating dinner at 7:00pm, well you were just shit-outta-luck; it was Three's Company reruns for you. But then came Headline News! You could get a half-hour full of national news anytime you wanted, even at 1:30am at the 24-hour laundromat on Nth Street. I thought 24-7 access to TV news was a problem we had solved a long time ago. If it ain't broke, don't fuck with it.

So why is it that now when I want to the news while eating dinner at 7:00pm, I turn on the so-called Headline News channel only to be greeted by a stream of idiotic bile spewing from the mouth of Glenn fucking Beck? You expect me to keep food down with that shit on? Fuck, even the Three's Company reruns were better than that. And it's not like I can just wait until his wretched show is over and then get me some news headlines, 'cause after him they have Nancy Grace, and after her they replay Glenn Beck again, and then her again, and then fucking Showbiz Tonight, and then Glenn Beck a third time, and so on. CNN Headline News has no headline news between 7pm and 3am!! WTF??? Do I have to have a TiVo now just to watch the fucking news? Hell, if some network exec has decided that Glenn Beck absolutely has to have three hours a day of TV time to share his ex recto views with the rest of us, couldn't they have put him on one of the other 200+ cable/satellite channels? Put him on QVC, and let him peddle his brand of self-satisfied pseudo-conservatism in between pitches for cubic zirconia necklaces and Ginsu knives.

Where have you gone, Lynne Russell? A news-hungry nation turns its eyes to you.

Monday, June 23, 2008

"But they all look alike to me."

Via Talking Points Memo, we learn of Karl Rove's recent characterization of Barack Obama:
He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.
Sorry, Karl, you've got Obama confused with a different black guy:

Friday, June 13, 2008

You look like that guy. In that movie.

I was in a store yesterday, and one of the employees said to me, "You look just like [name of actor] in [name of movie], only his hair was darker."

The funny thing is, said actor did not appear in said movie.

Despite this, I am absolutely certain I know exactly what he meant.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I hereby announce my third-party candidacy.

I have recently become aware that I have a ready-made constituency, eager to propel me to the White House!
On behalf of millions of Clinton supporters who have made it very clear that we will vote for a cockroach before we vote for Barack Obama, I would like you pieces of Obama crap to know that you can kiss our asses.
O disgruntled millions, your dream candidate is here! I want you to know that this cockroach feels your pain. But our road to victory will not be an easy one. Currently Barack Obama and John McCain have much greater name recognition than Giant Mutant Cockroach. Hell, as it stands now I bet even Bob Barr could kick my ass in the voting booth. So I'll need to raise a lot of money between now and November, and I'm counting on you, the disgruntled Hillary supporters, to give it to me. Preferably in cash. Just shove a few tens or twenties under the refrigerator. I promise to spend it all on campaign advertising. Really. Not one dime will go towards the purchase of my yacht.

So what are my policy positions? Who gives a shit! All that matters is that I'm a cockroach, not that upstart Barack Obama. That alone should get me your vote. Why should you care that I will pack the Supreme Court with my enormous insect cronies? Or that I will abolish the FDA and make pesticide use punishable by death? Remember, all that matters is that together we can deny Obama the presidency! The Obama! It stole our preciousss! We hates it forever!

Giant Mutant Cockroach in '08! Vengeance Victory will be ours!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Freedom, Death, and Memory

Suicide in Union Square
Originally uploaded by trexfiles23
Jeff Trexler asks, "Should I have been arrested for taking this picture?"

Go read the post at The Blingdom of God.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Sample Size = 2

A few data points to consider:

My father (white male, age 70) consistently voted Republican in presidential elections until at least 2000. Earlier this year he said he would probably vote for Bloomberg if he were to announce an independent bid. Following Bloomberg's announcement that he would not run, Obama became his candidate of choice. He thinks McCain is to old to be president ("He's as old as I am!"). He respects McCain's record of military service but thinks McCain doesn't really know what he's talking about when it comes to economic and foreign policy.

My mother (white female, age 68) notes that she is in the demographic that is supposed to be Sen. Clinton's base of support. However, she finds Barack Obama to be inspiring and eagerly looks forward to voting for him in the fall. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, reminds her of Tracy Flick.

I only wish my parents lived in Pennsylvania.

Friday, April 11, 2008

"How will you raise the kids?"

Mrs. Ego and I have certainly had our share of stupid arguments. Perhaps more than our share. But nothing to match the stupidity of this:

COMMERCE CITY, Colo. -- A couple fighting about which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join caused a public disturbance that resulted in the father's arrest, Commerce City police said Thursday.

On Saturday, Joseph Manzanares stormed into the Hollywood Video store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays and even a computer, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval said.

. . .

His girlfriend told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to. The teen mother, who is black, is a member of the Crips. Manzanares is Hispanic and belongs to the Westside Ballers gang, the woman said.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Saturday, February 09, 2008

If it ain't brokered . . .

After helping the Republicans decide that John McCain would likely be their candidate, Super Tuesday was all tuckered out and retreated to its Fortress of Solitude, leaving unfinished the task of selecting a Democratic nominee. With things still up in the air, there is talk of the Democrats going old school and actually choosing a candidate at the convention! How exciting is that! After years of getting by with political methadone, political junkies might finally get a taste of the real thing!

Will there be smoke-filled rooms? Yes, but this is not your grandfather's Democratic Party, so things will be different. Instead of smoke from five-cent cigars, these rooms will be filled with environmentally-friendly, carbon-neutral eco-smoke, made by burning recycled hemp fibers over flames of hope fueled by the dreams of an all-inclusive multicultural America! After the convention, the smoke will be sequestered deep underground, where the immense weight of the earth's crust will compress it into diamonds!

All this convention talk brings back fond memories of my first convention. It was 1984. Walter Koenig was there, and they showed a reel of Star Trek bloopers. Lots of guys were dressed in costumes, and at one of the vendor's tables I found a long-sought-after copy of Champion of Garathorm, the missing volume I needed to complete my set of the second Hawkmoon trilogy! Could the 2008 Democratic Convention possibly be as exciting as that one? Maybe, but my first time will always hold a special place in my heart.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

It's a bird! It's a plane!

It’s Super Tuesday!

Yes, it’s here! That special day that comes only once every four years, when mild-mannered Tuesday dashes into a phone booth, removes its glasses, rips off its drab office attire and emerges in a red-and-blue spandex bodysuit, boots, and a cape! How it managed to fit those fabulous red boots inside its black leather shoes is a mystery that can be explained only by Super Tuesday’s overwhelming superness! And the fact that no one ever comes across Super Tuesday’s discarded suit in an empty phone booth and steals its wallet? Prevented by the superness!

Yes, Super Tuesday fights for us! It fights for truth, justice, and the American way of arbitrarily giving voters in some states and not others a crucial role in choosing the next leader of the free world! And this year it’s more super than ever! With better special effects!

Look out, Super Tuesday! There’s kryptonite in that voting machine! How will you save us???

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Ow! Redux

You know that scene in the movie where the guy is walking along and he slips on a patch of ice, and his whole body goes up in the air for an instant before he lands flat on his back, and then he just lies there with a half-pained, half-stunned "what just happened?" expression on his face, and he remains completely motionless for about ten seconds before beginning to slowly and cautiously pick himself up?

That's exactly the way it happens in real life.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Space belongs to us.

"Hope" for the future!

Our extra-terrestrial brethren "run faster . . . and are much more energetic and resilient"!!!

You humans can have the earth; space now belongs to us. The future is ours!

Referrer Log Crime Drama

A recent visitor to this site arrived via this Google search.

I hope that visitor wasn't the same person who came here via this search.

Whoever it is, it looks like they're planning for contingencies.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Sweet Memories

Remember that time we went down to Florida? And we stole an airboat and headed off into the Everglades? And we saw Barack Obama there, walking on the water, whistling the theme from "Superman: The Movie" to himself, and we asked him "Barack! What are you doing here all by yourself in the Everglades?" and he said "I'm whistling," and I said, "Damn, Barack, you sure can whistle!" and he said, "Thanks, MAE," only he didn't call me MAE, he called me by that special secret nickname that only he calls me by, and then he went on whistling, and then a crocodile jumped out of the water and tried to eat him, but it only managed to bite off one foot, and Barack Obama acted like he didn't even notice, and he went right on hopping across the water, still whistling, without missing a note, hopping one-legged into the rain? That sure was a swell trip, wasn't it?