We Two Kings

It seems I haven't posted anything for some time now. Time flies when you're . . . doing things . . . and stuff . . . and something or other. 'Cause I've been real busy, doing a little of this, a little of that, and serious stuff like pondering the mysteries of the universe. For example, just this morning while I was trying to remember whether I had already taken my meds or not, my brain presented me with a sudden realization: Jesus and Elvis had a lot in common. How had I not remarked on this before now? The more I thought about it, the more connections I saw. For example:

• The names "Jesus" and "Elvis" both have 5 letters, and both end with an "s."
• Jesus was born on Christmas, and Elvis often celebrated Christmas.
• Jesus had a disciple named Thomas; some of Elvis' fans are named Thomas.
• Both Jesus and Elvis often wore flowing white robes with gold trim.
• Elvis drove a Cadillac; Jesus thought so highly of the donkey that he rode into Jerusalem that he referred to it as “the Cadillac of donkeys.”
• Television audiences in the 1950s were shocked by the sight of Elvis’ gyrating pelvis; Jesus has never gyrated his pelvis on television, but if he ever does I’m pretty sure people will be shocked by it.
• Jesus fasted in the desert for forty days and was tempted by the Devil; Elvis suffered a dip in popularity and shook hands with Richard Nixon.
• Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist, who was later beheaded at the request of some mean woman whose name I can’t remember; Elvis was probably baptized, and whoever baptized him is most likely dead by now.
• Both Jesus and Elvis were taken from us at a young age, and followers of each believe that, had they lived longer, they would have had many more #1 hits.
• People have reported seeing Jesus and Elvis alive even after they were declared dead.
• Judas shot Jesus in a theater and fled to a warehouse; the Beatles shot Elvis from a warehouse and fled to a theater.
• When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, Elvis was carrying you, and Jesus was carrying Elvis, and Jesus was standing on a turtle, and below that it's turtles all the way down.

Astounding, isn't it? Those are far too many parallels and similarities to be mere "coincidence." It has to mean something! But what??? The answer still eludes me, but I'm sure it is very significant.

But I bet some of you are skeptics who remain unconvinced. So I did some searching and found that I am not the first one to have stumbled upon this cosmic connection. Check out these links:

More amazing similarities!: Elvis vs. Jesus

O Come All Ye Faithful: The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis

From the Louvre to your living room: Velvet Elvis & Jesus in Heaven

That's all for now. Join us next time when we investigate the many amazing similarities between Norman Podhoretz and the homeless guy who told me that aliens from Sirius are giving nuclear technology to zoo animals.