I hereby announce my third-party candidacy.

I have recently become aware that I have a ready-made constituency, eager to propel me to the White House!

On behalf of millions of Clinton supporters who have made it very clear that we will vote for a cockroach before we vote for Barack Obama, I would like you pieces of Obama crap to know that you can kiss our asses.

O disgruntled millions, your dream candidate is here! I want you to know that this cockroach feels your pain. But our road to victory will not be an easy one. Currently Barack Obama and John McCain have much greater name recognition than Giant Mutant Cockroach. Hell, as it stands now I bet even Bob Barr could kick my ass in the voting booth. So I'll need to raise a lot of money between now and November, and I'm counting on you, the disgruntled Hillary supporters, to give it to me. Preferably in cash. Just shove a few tens or twenties under the refrigerator. I promise to spend it all on campaign advertising. Really. Not one dime will go towards the purchase of my yacht.

So what are my policy positions? Who gives a shit! All that matters is that I'm a cockroach, not that upstart Barack Obama. That alone should get me your vote. Why should you care that I will pack the Supreme Court with my enormous insect cronies? Or that I will abolish the FDA and make pesticide use punishable by death? Remember, all that matters is that together we can deny Obama the presidency! The Obama! It stole our preciousss! We hates it forever!

Giant Mutant Cockroach in '08! Vengeance Victory will be ours!